Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Double Life...

Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. In one there I am the girlfriend. In the other I am the friend. And lately? I've been living almost exclusively in the girlfriend side of my double life. Which leaves the other side withering and dying, which is not cool.

But tonight I start to question and wonder why there has to be a double life, a double identity. Who said that I had to start a split life that never quite seems to mesh? Who is living my life, me or the people I'm trying to please? Well, as of right now, it's me. I am determined to nurse my ailing friendships that have gotten pushed to the side in favor of the girlfriend side of me. And I'm determined to keep the girlfriend side healthy and strong, but who said I have to choose one over the other? When did I stop living my own life and making my own decisions? It happened so subtly I didn't even notice it.

Well, as of right now, the double life no longer exists. They are merged. And whoever can't handle it or doesn't like it can get the hell out of my life. (yes, I admit that's a bit drastic and probably not true, but, it's nearly midnight and I'm still awake, please indulge the momentary drama) I'm going to start balancing my friendships and my relationship before my friendships disappear from lack of nurturing, and without withering my relationship. All it takes is a little bit of balance. And I have the determination to do it. All it took was the realization to realize that I am missed and that they care. I know, "the girl" was way shocked when I admitted that I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't missed and wasn't needed. I see now how silly that is. And now more than ever I realize what wonderful, beautiful friends I have.

From now on the only double life I'll ever lead is that of a double agent (but don't worry, I doubt I'll ever be Sidney Bristow)

**disclaimer-the double life reference is figurative, not literal. I'm still the same me, I just feel like there are unnecessary and unhealthy splits on my focus and attention...hopefully that makes sense. It's late and I'm tired. Morning update: Had a great talk with mr tan hong ming, and he's on the same page. He understands how I'm feeling, and while he's protective of me in terms of completely blaming myself, he understands. I'm very hopeful, and already taking steps to equal things out and merge those two sides so they aren't at odds with each other.